It’s not over. I totally forgot I’d given Grandma Kim my number. She called me when I was out on a Thursday night and I couldn’t understand a word. She called back and it went to voicemail. Still couldn’t understand what the fuck was going on.
After careful study, I determined that I had a package waiting for me outside the house. I retrieved it in the dead of night.
Au Revoir, Grandma Kim
Since the UPS/FEDEX guy always gets confused that my apartment was the rear unit and makes me drive to the carrier anex to pick them up, I wrote them a note to let them know to leave packages at the rear unit of the house. Since I was moving, I figured my parting gift would be to extend the same courtesy to Grandma Kim, and write a new note expressing the same thing on the mailbox. I’ve redacted her actual address, but you get the idea.
Grandma Kim is determined to help me move. She’s been doing little helpful things all day. Here, she saved me time by for some reason cramming a fake ipod, which I don’t even know where she found, into a case for an iPhone 4. Thanks grandma kim!
Things I am not going to miss #1, alarm clock that turns on at totally random times and starts belting out opera. No obvious way to make it stop and grandma kim immediately plugs it back in every time I unplug it, despite the fact that it’s in the living room and there’s no need for it to treat the living room to an opera performance at 3:38 am.
Grandma Kim says I should just pee while she is in the shower because she is as old as a grandma. Girl, you may be old, but that does not make me want to see you naked or for you to watch me pee. Damn.
Watching battlestar galactica on my last night here. Number of fucks Grandma Kim gives about battlestar galactica: holding steady at zero.
Here’s a riddle:
What’s more unpleasent than coming home from a sleepless night spent in the hospital ER?
Answer: Realizing you’ve lost your keys and Grandma Kim has the place locked down like a goddamn fortress, and getting the privilege of sitting down and picking 2 locks and 2 deadbolts just to get into your fucking house at 6 AM. And then being greeted by grandma kim, who didn’t hear you knocking but did hear the door open when you finally managed to pick the last lock open.
Grandma Kim and I went to see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, a movie about old people struggling with being old and sometimes dying of it, and also their kids hate them. She actually had the idea to sneak into The Dictator and watch that until The Best Exotic came on, but I blew our cover by laughing uncontrollably at the preview for “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter.” That was fine, because The Dictator is a terrible movie.
Afterwards she told me she didn’t really like the movie but would regret herself had she not gone to see it. She gave me eight (8) dollars and then locked herself in her room. Not sure what just happened.
Here we see Grandma Kim contemplating being old after the movie. She told me to enjoy being young. I was like sure, right after I finish figuring out where I’m going to live because you’re getting me evicted, I’ll get right back to that.
It’s date time.
I’ll be going to see some old people movie at the Arclight with Grandma Kim. She is getting all fancy and I am going to put on a gross cutoff and a bro hat. This is pretty much the opposite of every date I’ve ever been on: I’m nervous, I hope to god nothing happens, and I’m constantly afraid my date might die of something not involving my penis. Fuck.
3AM is pretty much the only correct time to shuffle around and chop up onions and generally be crazy.